TG Newsletter: STOFSKOP 2023

StofSkop 2023

(12 August 2023)

The StofSkop flat track race has finally returned after its 4-year Covid sabbatical. The dust back in the real world has finally settled and the crazy antics of the StofSkoppers could once again entertain the stadium full of yelling masses.

Run what ya brung!

This invite opens the gates to any machine with two rubberized hoops, connected with a sparkplug, and if you’re lucky – a seat!

There are a few different classes, but they are not set in dust (which previously identified as stone).

Ranging from jokingly inappropriate, to something that can (or cannot) bob, nothing with a grunt, or with any chop whatsoever – bring it ON.

Please don’t start talking about motorcycle brands! If you want to cosy up to any of the riders, chat to them about the size of their oil spot, their clogged exhausts, the hue of their two-stroke smoke. This is just us giving you tips on how to make friends at StofSkop.

Trust us – never trust us!

Statistically, it has been proven that 1 in 4 StofSkoppers will experience the grind of dust through their thin epidermis. 6 out of 5 will however be okay with that, while 2 out of 3 do not even know they are competing in a race.

StofSkop took place at the Randfontein dirt oval, shaped like a pecan, but nuts to ride.

Each class had a few laps – just enough to not suffocate in the dust cloud, yet plenty of time to trip a fellow rider.

The ground rules of the StofSkop event is that nobody is allowed to be serious – seriously.

Between baby blue smoke and ruby red dust all the characters of a Brothers Grimm story book gathered around the Randfontein dirt oval and offloaded their SkôrroKôrros.

There was Toothless, Evil Knievel, a Mexican Siesta on wheels, the Stig and sommer all kinds of Thing’s!

Chikita dressed as the Gold Dust pimp to match her glistening, gleaming Bubblegum, the Kawasaki KH110 GTO. It was the first time this duo took to the Stof, and we knew we had a serious contender for the crown.

Skinny opted to go as Antie Stienie, with curlers and an infinite ziggy. She was going to be AGTER… elke man!

Antie Stienie… Skienie dusted off her winning horse, called Dapple, the Suzuki BX120 Superstar – and two-time StofSkop champion!

At the StofSkop, you should try to win, but preferably on a machine that will surely lose. The win-win combination is frowned upon. You should either be a win-lose, or a lose-win mixture. Therefore, either be a kak sleg rider on a land-speed record breaker… OR; Ross Branch on a 150 Hero. No in-betweenies!

Normally, you enter a race to win, but on this oval, you lose if you win; so, you lose to win, because the winners are losers, and the loser takes it all!

Why would you enter an event where you most probably would not win… and shouldn’t!

“Too”

Life happens between the two too’s…

Too beautiful, too ugly

Too smart, too dumb

Too rich, too poor

Too fat, too thin

TOO FAST, TOO SLOW!

Not having to live up to expectations, and not having to prove to the world that you’re not a completely useless fart. Just that!

In our class there were a few fierce warrior queens ready to throw dust in everybody’s eyes. Every Tom, Dick, and Helium Balloon got a jump into the first corner, Skinny trailing behind with a help-me-push first gear bugger-up.

Rowing with a dress on is like sailing with a motorboat. Skinny’s thighs started cramping but she finally started picking up where she never left off.

The party was happening in the front, and she only had two laps to make up for lost dust.

Soon-soon Chikita started to apply pressure on the front-running “I’m gonna take all my chances” Mercia. Between them they made the dust soar. Just as Chikita decided to take the tight inside line on the second last corner, Mercia ate dust!

Sprawled across the track, all the other girls slowed down to check on the back of her head as she was properly face-planted next to her bike.

This was the opportunity that Skinny had hoped for. She saw the gap to make up a spot or 4. With WillePiet still baffled at the shiny heap lying in the middle of the track, and a concerned Crispy checking for a heartbeat, Skinny sneaked past and by the time these two Things noticed her on the back straight she was well away and pumping that 3 gear with a smooth ride to the finish line, to take 8th! Racing is racing…

We’re not sure who won, but by the gleam in Chikita’s canines, she must have left us all in the dust.

Mercia regained consciousness, shook the dust out of her boots and strode off the track like a horse with three legs. The day she dies, she might ask… “Electric bikes and roasties – WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?”

For a change there was also a semi-professional amateur class, almost like our government…

A class of professional SA racers covering all facets of biking, took part in the highly hyped-up delivery dash on Honda Ace 125cc’s. Ross Branch, being sponsored by Hero Motorcycles, climbed onto a Hero Eco 150cc.

You’d think that a group of guys that are skilled in enduro, offroad, trials and superbikes would not need an ambulance so close to the start. Bull dust!

Ross Branch (Rally, Enduro)

Clinton Seller (Superbike)

Brian Capper (Enduro, Trials)

Hippocrates Bogiages (Offroad, Enduro)

Darryl Curtis (Offroad, Extreme Enduro)

Louwrens Mahoney (Offroad, Enduro)

How do you get a 6-foot lady to climb into a pizza box?

You ask nicely…

Skinny snuck into Ross’ top box for the last race on Donovan-Fourie-the-pizza-whisperer’s request.

“Ross, listen up. If you fall – I moer you! If you lose – I moer you harder!!!”

With no conception of time, space or rev limits, Skinny popped out like a cheesy Margherita on the finish line.

Our pizza got delivered first - still steaming, with no soggy bottom!

When the last race was lost, we cut the dust while watching losers take the winnings.

You can lose; A good job A game A bet Your favourite thing Money A moment An opportunity A chance Your keys Your mind Your virginity A phone number Hope Faith Luck

STOFSKOP!

Keep on losing!

Lots of photos taken by:

Hannelie van Schalkwyk

Jolandi Mentz

Billy Sass

Action in Motion

Sponsored by Daniel Mulder Distributors (DMD) www.dmd.co.za

Forma Boots (www.formaboots.com)

Caberg Helmets (www.caberg.it)

Oxford Products (www.oxfordproducts.com)

Givi (www.givi.ite)

Answer Racing (www.answerracing.com)

PaintABike by Phil Privett (paintabike@gmail.com)

Hero Motorcycles South Africa (www.heromotorcycles.co.za)

2M Lazy Lowder (www.2mtrailers.co.za)

CHIKITA PRODUCTIONS PRESENT:

Swing left, open throttle, hang on, tuck and roll, smell the dust - victory is near!!! StofSkop, the amateur’s version of oval racing. We have no idea what we’re doin’, but obviously we are oblivious to obscurity… Fun to watch anyway!

Subscribe to the Tank Girls YouTube channel to be all set for when the viddy drops!

HONESTY NEWSLETTER!

Dapple can do with a new first gear, Chikita needs another tooth crowned, Skinny lost a curler…

If you’re familiar with the rural concept of the honesty bar, this honesty newsletter ain’t much different... I’m a completely un-paid journalist, relying instead on readers using the honour system. You read the newsletter and then leave an amount you see fit for the entertainment you’ve received.

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