TG Newsletter: StofSkop 2024

StofSkop

(7 September 2024)

It’s a track. It’s flat. It’s oval. It has dust.

…and then you get some moegoes that go flying around it, on incapable bikes, with little to no skills, dressed as Ministers (aka clowns) attending parliament.

What, you may ask, are these Ministers trying to achieve?

Much the same as real South African Ministers… To run around endlessly in circles, with unfounded bravado, making lots of noise and coming last.

You know when life gets too much, like that last slice of an extra-large thick crust pizza? When you stress about senseless issues at work. When the dog coughs up balls of grass and the vet is closed after hours. When your tequila supply is running out and there hasn’t been a special at Makro in ages. When you keep that last medical bill hidden in the top drawer, accompanied by weekly SMS’s about overdue accounts, while you still have a knee that doesn’t bend like when you were 23 and you could moonwalk into that 7-Tease Fever club without a bouncer noticing you?

You wake up in the middle of the night sweating, rolling yourself into a burrito and telling yourself that heavy breathing at 1AM is only good for pregnant women… and something about a crown.

They call it stress, tension, anxiety, being insufferable, unsuccessful and slightly useless.

There’s no medicine, no home remedies, no meditation or any kind of kop-dokter that helps (Jack Daniels only initiates spontaneous dance moves).

But some of us have found the answer. We book out a Saturday, go buy a R3,000 piece of inoperable bike that starts on the 10th trillion kick and smokes like an anthracite stove with wet coal. You dress up silly and make sure you take an extra 2L of 2-stroke oil. You head out to Randfontein Oval Raceway, singing to yourself in the car – It’s a good day to turn left!!! (…unless you’re in a sidecar)

Cause the rest of South Africa don’t know what we know.

Skinny dressed up as a Fast Food mobile cart, with the best buns, cheesy potato Skins, Skinny Lattes, and even a QUICK tomato dispenser.

The Code Blue Crash Kart belonged to Chikita aka Dr. McGatlangs. Fully equipped with suction devices, syrupy syringes, random body parts for spontaneous transplants, and a leaky urinary bag.

Crispy and WillePiet got yellow-faced for their Minion theme. They also raided Universal Pictures studios and brought back a whole suitcase of yellow pints as their support crew and grandstand hecklers. Uh, la cucaracha?

Included in the mash-up was Jason Voorhees; The Office crew – MiniMoto version; a Yummy Mummy; Louispardus pardus the Mohican, and a whole ghillie Billy. For the first time ever there was also a Tuk-Tuk giving joyrides to spectators and blocking passes from the super serious sidecar squads.

Riding around the track, feeling the tires slip out from under you around every corner (and sometimes even on the straight as per Chikita’s grand gaffe), while you eat Mario and Luigi’s dust, you hear Mercia singing “How do you say De-Gorgeous? De-With it? De-Groovy?” in a very shrill soprano, and Liezl’s noodled appendices make you silently pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, “Pls, pls, pls lemme overtake Femme Farfalle, RAMEN!”

For a few hours on this rather unremarkable Saturday, you get to play like kindergarten kids that don’t know about garnishee orders and high blood pressure.

And even though you might focus on catching up to the suitcase in front of you, you inevitably know this is just a glorified merry-go-round with no first place and lotsa losers.

You get to drink a beer at the Death Star canteen to rinse out the sand grains between your teeths. You get to laugh and laugh and laugh ‘til there’s no more smokey-air in your pap lungs. You get to wear a dustache with pride. You get to live for a day… but only for TODAY. Because tomorrow you have to run around after the diehard GoPro that you misplaced for the hundredth time!

Thanks to Chris Shelvey and Motul for another stupendous StofSkop. How can we ever thank thee?

Oh yes! We’ll be at the next StofSkop in 2025!

We are made out of StofSkop dust. We are the stuff of exploded combustion chambers. The dust on my brow might come from the same threaded tyre as the dust on your left arm. We are the laws of speed and gravity as they have played out on this oval track. We are atomically connected to all dust particles at this contest. We are but dust… that races.

…And the rest is rust and stardust

*Vladimir Nabokov*

Thanx to the Photographers:

Hannelie van Schalkwyk (www.facebook.com/hannelie.schalkwyk)

Billy Sass (wfsass@westcol.co.za)

CHIKITA PRODUCTIONS PRESENT:

StofSkop flat track racing: Nothing is serious, but everything is serious. Seriously! There were Fast Foods, Crash Carts, Minions, Tuk Tuks and 1 seriously Groovy Lady. You only win if you lose.

Video produced by Jolandi Mentz (7 Sep 2024)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7ZTCXI2j0U

SPONSORS:

Sponsored by Daniel Mulder Distributors (DMD) www.dmd.co.za

Forma Boots (www.formaboots.com)

Caberg Helmets (www.caberg.it)

Oxford Products (www.oxfordproducts.com)

Givi (www.givi.ite)

Answer Racing (www.answerracing.com)

Off Road Cycles (www.offroadcycles.co.za)

2M Lazy Lowder (www.2mtrailers.co.za)

PaintAbike by Phil Privett (www.instagram.com/paintabikesa)

HONESTY NEWSLETTER!

Oh, Dapple, our Dapple! What would StofSkop be without its Dapple?!? Let’s see if we can raise enough funds for an engine transplant? Hopefully NOT done by Dr. Chikita McGatlangs… No piston intended!

If you’re familiar with the rural concept of the honesty bar, this honesty newsletter ain’t much different... We are completely un-paid journalists, relying instead on readers using the honour system. You read the newsletter and then leave an amount you see fit for the entertainment you’ve received.

If you don’t find it particularly amusing, then you fork out NO dosh. We won’t stop sending you the letter – it is still mahala to those that count their coins and... and we love sharing our stories.

As requested by the overseas readers, you can donate to this newsletter on the following PayPal account:

skinny@tankgirls.co.za

OR...

You can do an EFT transfer to the account below.